1st day back to work and 1st day without Vivi went off without a hitch. I had all of Vivi's things packed and ready to go the night before...my work outfit laid out, lunch made, all was ready to go.
On the way to the babysitter's (Laura), I just made it a point to not think too much about leaving her for the day. Because I knew that once I did, the tears would come. And the same for when I dropped her off. I had to make it quick. And I did. Laura told me I could call if I needed to and walked me out. As I was walking to the car, I started to tear up, but I held it together. I decided not to call throughout the day because I figured it would just make things harder. Fortunately, the day went by pretty fast and seeing how content she was when I picked her up, made me feel so much better. Instant relief.
I still get sad when I think about my little girl being in the care of someone else. I know that this is not reasonable to think, but what if she doesn't know that I am her mommy? Am I gonna miss all of her firsts? What about all of the pictures and videos I could be taking? How will this affect her and the person she becomes? I've already been struggling with feelings of not having a strong bond between Vivi and I. I feel like I've just been in mommy-mode. Just making sure all of her needs are met instead of taking the time to stop and stare at what I really have in front of me. All while taking care of CeCe (a handful on her own) and being a wife. 6 weeks just wasn't long enough to really make it through the adjustment phase. I just have to keep telling myself that people do this all of the time and things will be ok. I'll be praying A LOT for sure!
The rest of the week was pretty much the same....during the day. The nights, not so great. Wednesday and last night, Vivi decided to sleep about 3 hours, which means mommy and daddy only got about 3 hours of sleep. Not really sure what was going on. She just was not content. She wasn't crying the whole time but she wasn't happy either. She was squirmy and whiny at times and would just not fall asleep.
Needless to say, we are exhausted.
And, another thing, I am determined to continue breastfeeding for as long as possible. I started pumping when Vivi was less than a week old to build up a supply. And now, I am having to pump at work. Every 3 hrs. This means, I no longer have a lunch break for socializing. Just me and my pump, in a conference room. And it will be like this for another 7 or so months (until summer). Oh the sacrifices us moms make. I guess she's worth it ;)
Friday, October 29, 2010
We survived...
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3 comments:
Well I'll be sure to keep you in my prayers. You do have a lot going on! I know it is hard to leave our little ones....especially when you are nursing....and when they are still getting up at all hours of the night!
I can totally relate to you and how you felt like you were only meeting Vivi's needs and not bonding with her maybe like you did with Cece because Vivi is not your only one like Cece was.....but that does get better. And honestly- to look back....I think even in the beginning with Parker was survival mode of only meeting their needs.
It's like with the first one, you feel like you have always known them, and you forget that you had to get to know them, too. Does that make sense? I had those same feelings of, "Is she going to love me? Does she know I am her Mommy?" And they do....and your bond will just continue to grow with her just as it does with Cece.
Whew!! Sorry to have written a novel! ha!
Let me know if you need anything!
Hang in there Momma, your doing great! See you in less than a month for some time off and girl time! Can't wait!
I know it must be hard but just remember that everything you do, you do for them and they know it! of course vivi will know her mommy! mommy's sweet voice & sweet smell and her mommy's face! You don't see it because you're too close but vivi perks up when she hears your voice. But there is a lot to be said about the anxiety a mom feels at the birth of her 2nd child, how you 'split' your attention between the 2 is impossible. But you love them both 100% not 50/50 because a mom's heart is capable. As for sleep, wish I had some comforting words but, save for the camera, Riley's 1st year is a blur because their schedules were exactly opposite. 3 hrs is a lot longer than the 6 minutes I use to get before 1 of mine would wake up needing something. I can barely remember his 1st steps or when he said his 1st words. So let yourself relax, those moments are brief in the grand scheme of things. Before you know it, you'll be chasing after them both & praying for a moments silence! lol Cece is such a lil lady & vivi, such a cuddle bunny! you're doing better than you give yourself credit for!! Love ya!
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